


I'd Rather Forget

by littleartemis



Category: Final Fantasy XII
Genre: Child Abuse, Childhood, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Non Consensual, POV First Person, Pedophilia, Rape, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-25
Updated: 2012-02-25
Packaged: 2017-10-31 17:25:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/346590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleartemis/pseuds/littleartemis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are somethings from Balthier's past, he'd rather not face, and would rather leave buried deep in his memory, forgotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> After finally opening an account here, I figured I'd post some of my old inprogress fics here. This one will be very dark, have hurt/comfort, and will constant m/m, m/m/f, m/f, and f/f. Pairings to come in future chapters include Bal/Basch/Fran, and Penelo/Ashe. 
> 
> All things will be tagged as it progresses.
> 
> This is a multi-chapter fic and will be updated as I can.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balthier has a nightmare of his childhood, and the camp finds out just why he flees from his past.

_“Come Ffamran, do I scare you that terribly?” The cruel voice pierced my ears, as painful as the grip about my neck. My back ached from being shoved into the hard rock of the cave. Gripping the armored hand about my throat as well as I could, I clawed at it, desperate to breath as a second set tugged at my clothing, the perverse effort making me feel ill. It was difficult to fend off the two older men as I was held in the air, the rock face keeping me here._

_“Mmm, and this is news to you, Bergan?” A evil laugh came from below me, as cold fingers went beneath the thin cloth of my shirt, caressing my young, teenage flesh. “He’s always been afraid of us, hiding in any place imaginable. I’m sure if he wasn’t always in it, he’d even hide in Galbranth’s armor.” A blush coated my cheeks at the mention of the youngest judge magister. I was only a judge in training, working for the honor of being one of the Magister’s. Gabranth himself assisted in my training, and despite how annoying people complained I could be he did not mind, he had told me that training a new one was a fun alternative to guarding the little prince._

_My thoughts were halted as I felt my pants being ripped from me, legs bared to the cold air. Gasping, I clawed harder at the hand, crying as Judge Ghis began removing my underwear. Bergan licking his lips, eyes focus on the bare flesh instead of my tearful face. “Please!” I choked out, sobbing desperately. “Please stop it!”_

_“Hush, Ffamran.” Ghis sneered, tugging my underwear down as Bergan set me on my feet, holding my hands above my head instead. Pulling off his belt with his spare hand, he looked at Ghis, “I’m going to turn him momentarily.” Nodding, the disgusting man took his hands from me, and I choked a little as I was roughly turned, face pressed into the wall, hands pulled behind me. He used his belt to tie my writhing thin arms, before turning me about again to be molested by Ghis’s calloused hands._

_Pulling out a knife, Bergan smirked cruelly at me, before sliding the sharp edge beneath my shirt, and cutting the piece of clothing open. I was squirming, and sobbing again as the both of them touched my skin, Bergan’s lips touching mine as his fingers caressed my cold nipples. The tears wetted my lips, and as he pulled away he licked them off my face, taking enjoyment in my torture._

_I could feel fingers sliding up my thighs, stroking places I’d never imagined anyone touching. Gasping, I tried to move away from them, “please! Stop touching me!” I gasped, trembling as Ghis’s fingers stroked my entrance, laughing at my attempts at getting away from him. Bergan too chuckled, roughly taking my chin into his hand. “Should we bend him over so he can’t kick any one?” He purred, looking down at his companion._

_“I think that would be a good idea.” Ghis smirked, watching as I was thrown to the ground carelessly. Lifting myself to my knees, I looked at them fearfully as they laughed, my penis dangling limply between my legs as I tried to back away in fear. Ghis sat behind me though, preventing any escape I had in mind, my eyes watching as Bergan began removing his pants. Crying as I was pushing over so my face was in the man’s crotch, I felt Ghis’s hands on my ass again, touching me in places that have ever only been touched by myself._

_A low whimper escaped my lips, listening as they both removed their pants, readying to rape me. Steal my virginity like they had been stealing my innocence. Molestation was not enough, neither was torture. It seemed that they had to fully destroy me._

_Pain erupted through my entire being, and I cried out, finding my mouth filled with Bergan, both snickering at how pathetic I was. “Balthier, wake up.” My eyes lifted up to Bergan, no longer finding his face there…_

“Balthier! Thank the gods you are awake.” Fran murmured, running her long fingers through my hair soothingly. “You were having a nightmare, crying in your sleep.” Basch stood at the entrance to mine and Fran’s tent, a lamp in hand, worried look in his deep blue eyes. The others were behind him, fidgeting nervously, as if I might lash out at them any minute. “They heard your screams, I am sorry, but I have never seen you this scared. You have had nightmares before, but never this bad…” Sad red eyes looked down at me, and I felt a pang in my heart, reaching up to stroke her cheek solemnly.

“I apologize,” my voice hoarse, I smiled weakly. “To all of you, I’m sorry to wake you.” Nodding, I raised myself to a sitting position, watching as they eyed my uncertainly.

“It is not your fault, whatever it is, and we are in no position to tell you otherwise.” They nodded, and I had to look down at my feet. When I had nightmares living at home, father would punish me for disturbing his work, or his sleep. And while in the training encampments, I would be blamed, and punished for keeping my fellow trainee’s awake at night. Having people tell me it was not my fault…it made me want to cry. Tears began flowing from my eyes, and I ducked my head down low so that only Fran could see, though I was sure that Basch had noticed.

Telling the others to go back to sleep, he quietly entered, resting a hand on my shoulder as Fran rubbing my back in soothing circles. “How long has he been like this?” The soldier asked her in a whisper as his hand moved up to my neck. Though I knew it was merely in comfort, I could not help but tense. He let out a low curse and sat down next to me, pulling my shirt away from my neck. Making a small noise, I tried to move away, but he used his available arm to hold me in place, making soothing sounds as his eyes inspected my neck. “So this is why you always hide your neck…” He murmured, eyeing the scars with disgusted interest. “How long have you been like this, and who did this to you?” Blue eyes bore into my own brown ones, and I felt like the teenager I was long ago, back when I used to get the same commanding stare from Basch’s twin, my commander and trainer.

Swallowing, I stuttered out the answer. Not out of fear of harm, but as I did not want him angry with me. After being with Galbranth, I was well aware that with the Ronsenberg twins, it was best you stay on their good side. Fran was used to me being elusive, but to be with Basch, or his brother, you let them know anything they demanded. “Six years, and the marks are from Judge’s Bergan, and Ghis.” I answered quickly, my voice barely above a whisper, as I pulled my shirt out of his grasp, hiding the marks. I stared at the cloth of the tent, my eyes avoiding his; though I could feel him tense next to me, as well as the gasp erupting from Fran’s lips. Tears were falling from my eyes once more, and I could not help the sob that escaped my lips this time. I would probably be seen as disgusting now, even more so if information got out. I couldn’t tell if one of the younger ones were listening in…

Feeling arms wrap around me, two sets of them, I turned to find them sitting next to each other, holding me so that I was laying on both of them. Hugging myself, I lay on them, sobbing till I fell asleep once more.

For the longest time, the nightmares had been mere small flashes. I could sleep fine. After the battle with Judge Ghis though, they had come back. Though bearable with soothing remedies, it was tough. After the last battle with Judge Bergan, and realizing I had have to return to Archades and face my father…the nightmares came back with full force, and grew unbearable. The first happening in the Sandsea, I had woken to the owner at the door, announcing complaints to Fran, and for the rest of the night, I sat at the bar, nursing my drink.

The trip up till now was just as bad, with sleepless nights and rough fights during the day. Making it this far was bad, and it was going to get worse as they made it through the Tchitia Uplands, and through Sohen Cave…


	2. Long Awaited Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balthier is finally visited by his first good dream. It is a sad memory, but it's better then the nightmares that have been plaguing him.

My arms wrapped tightly about me as we walked about the sunny grassland. All that could be seen were the regular creatures; wolves, tortoises, toads, snakes, cats. I wasn’t among the main team at the time, so I had no need to worry as Vaan and Basch walked beside me, eyes ahead of them as the girls battled through a pack of cats. I winced hearing the crack of Thundaga, breathing deeply as Fran curaga’d Penelo and Ashe’s pain away. The knight and thief before me barely noticed my apprehension.

Being in the Tchitia Uplands made me very nervous; we were close to Balfonheim, which was the length of the Cerobi Steppe away, though that one was known to be more dangerous so we would have to trek it later. Sadly, at the same time, we had to go through the Sohen Cave Palace; it was on our way to Archades, where I was to face my father. The memories of what the judges did to me in Sohen cave still stood vividly in my mind, making me want to retreat. Take Fran’s hand, and run to Balfonheim, forget the Princesses mission. I’d be safe from nightmares in Balfonheim, where I could drink my woes away.

Listening to them talk, I heard Basch call my name. Quickening my pace, I jogged to stand next to him, “we need you up front. Remember we’re trying to strengthen ourselves equally, so no one falls behind.” I nodded, knowing the hidden words. He did not want me to get lost in my thoughts, in case we came upon something too big, and they needed my healing abilities. I do not know why they did not give them to one of the little ones, but I did not ask. It was our location that was riling me up, not how they sapped my MP because they wanted to run around killing anything in their tracks. Nodding to Fran as she joined the group, I walked by her, pulling out my gun and ammunition. They were upon a group of Malboro’s and I sighed inwardly, mentally counting the amount of healing items we had. Watching them easily slay the creatures before being affected by any sort of ailment, I followed, shooting and healing where I needed to as we made it to the cave.

“You sure this rabbit hole is really the way to Archades?” I heard Vaan sigh, almost like a groan, as we entered, looking about.

“Better a hare unseen, then a rat in a trap.” I replied coolly, stepping close to the young Dalmascan, looking down at him. “Then again, if you’d prefer to go knocking on the front gates of the city, be my guest.”

“But what about once we’re inside?” Curse Penelo for being the smart one. Details, details, what did it matter? “Won’t the city watch find us?” Basch and Ashe had their eyes on her, seeming to agree with what the teenager said.

When Ashe spoke, she seemed solemn, as if she was close to defeat. “We’ll do what we can to blend in with the crowd. Our names may be notorious, but out faces are not far known.”

“True, true, you’re a princess, and we didn’t even recognize you.” Vaan approached her, and arms crossed, I resisted the need to smack him across the head. The young man needed to learn a lesson on how to speak to women! Honestly!

“I noticed,” the princess held a harsh tone in her voice as she walked away, Penelo covering her mouth, almost embarrassed by her friends word. How can she stand him? I can only wonder.

“We’re remembering the hunt right?” I asked them all, arms still crossed as I watched the zombies and imps patrol the labyrinth that was the cave entrance. Though this was the Tchitia entrance, we were still far from the Old Archades one. The man who’d assigned the hunt had given us a key to the door, meaning we would be able to get through.

“Of course,” Ashe scowled, and I sighed, the woman was too high strung for this. Understandable of course, but rather annoying at times, especially when it made Basch more stressed as well. While the signs of him being stressed were not noticeable, after being around him long enough, I’d begin to notice them and wish she’d calm down.

“You need a break.” I rested a hand on her shoulder, “you’ve built up your strength enough, Basch can come out and assist us.” She was about to speak, but I shook my head. “If we should come upon the hunt, we can either call upon Fran for assistance in keeping him up. Otherwise, rest, you’ve worked hard enough.” Nodding to the soldier, I continued to walk, ignoring the small giggle Penelo let loose before skipping up to follow next to me. Basch jogged ahead to take the lead, and the brunt of the damage we would be receiving while going through the caves. The distractions of battle were a welcome thing as we walked through the tunnels. It kept me unaware of the memories pressing for my attention.

Once they opened the door, and came upon the Mandragora’s, I pushed Penelo behind me. “Send Fran forward. We’ll call for you if we need you.” I murmured, watching Basch try to memorize their pattern. Once the viera was at my side, I ran up next to the soldier, eyeing the group of creatures cautiously. Listening as Basch cast dispelaga, I shot the closest one of them, listening to the release of Fran’s bow behind me.

When the battle was over, I breathed a sigh of relief, leaning against one stone wall for support. “We should continue to explore, see how much farther we can go.” Basch murmured, sitting on his heels next to me, absentmindedly curing a small wound on my leg. Fran had been mending her own, whilst I was too busy with the soldiers to notice my own pain.

Whispering a small thank you, I slowly slid down the wall, thankful there were no beasts here to fend off. Sitting for a moment, I cocked an eyebrow, curious at how they were all looking at me. “Is it okay if we rest a moment before continuing on?” My tone was dark, but I couldn’t help it. This place was a living nightmare for me, and they were too busy focusing on their mission.

It seemed Basch noticed how in pain I was on the inside, and he nodded. “We may rest for a moment, and build up our strengths before moving on.”

Fran nodded as well, shaking her hair from her eyes. “We must build up our magic’s, and see if there is a rejuvenation cryst about.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh at Vaan’s shuddered, the others chuckled a little, as the young man complained. “Last time we found one in a creepy place, it was a bug instead!” He whined, looking as if he were going to stomp his foot in protest.

“Aye, but crystal bugs are stationary, they do not move.” Basch shook his head, “if we needed time to heal, all we need to do is move out of its attack range.” Everyone nodded, even me as we eyed the sighing thief.

“We rest here tonight, once we find the cryst. There should one here.” Fran extended a hand to me, lifting me up. Brushing myself off, I stalked past them, not wanting to really speak to anyone. I would have rather not spent a night in the cave, but it seems everyone was determined to. Being out numbered wasn’t pleasant, and rather than taking my anger out on someone, I am just going to find the nearest beast to hurt.

To my dismay, the only one I came upon was a crystal bug in the guise of a rejuvenation cryst. Sighing, I pulled out my gun as Basch and Penelo ran past, attacking the angered creature. As usual, I merely sat back, curing and attacking whenever needed. Amazingly, it wasn’t much. Seemed we’d strengthened up a good deal while out in the uplands. Once finished, I stalked silently away back into the large space where we’d fought the Mandragora’s, ignoring any call for attention. I was in too much of a bad mood for their comments, and tomorrow was likely to be worse. How could it not be? I was going to be up all night with nightmares after sleeping where they took place.

Laying out our things on the ground, I took my sleeping bag to one corner of the hall, curling up with my things. I wouldn’t be able to take out my stuffed toy tonight, as there was company present to see. Pushing the bag, with it in it into the corner of where I was sleeping, I hugged my knees to my chest, trying not to look fretful as I watched them approach their things, Fran’s eyes clearly on me. She whispered something to the knight, gesturing to me, and I couldn’t help but huddle further into my corner, pouting slightly at the grumbling my stomach made. We hadn’t eaten since venturing off that morning, so it was obvious I’d be hungry now. Though, I didn’t feel like eating, I would have rather fallen asleep, to a dreamless night. I’d welcome it with open arms.

My viera partner approached, reaching out and running her fingers through my hair, laughing softly as I closed one eye to look up at her with annoyance. “You will not bring your companion out tonight?” I blushed, realizing what she was talking about, shaking my head vigorously.

“No, I’d rather not lose my dignity.” Resting my chin on my knees, my eyes scanned the soldier’s boots with mild interest, not wanting to look up into their sympathetic eyes. The soldier had been working more and more information out of me in the time of our travels. Though, it was only that I had a stuffed toy I slept with, that I’d not received much sympathy in the past, and other basic things Fran knew. No details. Never any details.

“You sleep easier with it. Please, Balthier, spare what little dignity you can, and bring it out…” Her voice is soothing, but I won’t give in. Not until Basch, with all his stubborn determination, reached behind me, and pulls out the little plush doll of Judge Magister Gabranth. Hugging my knees tighter, I buried my face deeper in the valley between my legs and chest, feeling the tears coming from my eyes. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, growing worse at the startled noise Basch made, and how I could hear the others approaching.

“Wh…who gave you this…?” The man’s voice was hoarse; when I looked up I found his own eyes on the brink of tears.

“The judge magister himself, he made it for me to calm me during nights he wasn’t there. He, Zecht, Zargabaath, and Drace were like my protectors. Though, Zargabaath was in charge of the army, Zecht regularly sent off, and Drace was busy with little Larsa. Gabranth was my main aid in times of need. In the beginning I would come to his office crying, after he’d found me trembling in the court after one nightmare of course. When my father began punishing me severely for waking him after these terrors, Gabranth had made me that, hoping it would calm me when he was sent off on tasks…it did.” Taking it back from him possessively, I pulled off the little felt helmet, smiling slightly at the cloth face. “He once told me I was more like his son then Cid’s. When I was readying to runaway, he was the one that cried the most…that’s the only thing I regret about leaving. Hurting him.”

“Someone’s always hurt when you run away…” Basch murmured, lowering himself to one knee, running his fingers through my hair in a comforting manner. Ashe, Vaan, and Penelo were silent as Fran and the soldier tried to comfort me.

“Is he going to be okay?” The young dancer’s voice was soft as she rested a hand on Basch’s shoulder, her eyes focused on me, making me flinch nervously. “Maybe we should get out of here, and find another way into Archades.” Both her an I ignored the annoyed sound the princess made, most of the group concerned for me, the Archadian’s, well being.

Shaking my head, I sighed, “no, the best way is through here. It leads to Old Archades, which is a short distance from the royal city. Any other way is difficult.”

Frowning, Basch looked me right in the eyes. “Then Fran and I are best to rest here with you to make sure nothing goes wrong. The others can sleep elsewhere in here. At least some of us are going to get some sleep.” He rested a finger on my lips before I could speak, looking to the others. “Go, Fran and I will watch him.” Shooing them off, he turned back to me. “I’ll get our things, you just get settled.” Nodding, I began undoing my vest, blushing at how Basch watched me, remembering vaguely how only Fran had ever watched me remove it. The first time she’d told me how she was amazed I could get it off so quickly with how the latching went.

I listened as the soldier coughed, turning to approach the pile of things, leaving me to my undressing. “Should we eat before resting?” I called to him, listening absently as Fran went through my bag for anything else I would need to survive the night.

“It would be wise, we’ll need the strength.” Nodding, Basch went through the bag of food stuffs, calling to the young ones. They ran over, I had to hold back a smile at how Ashe reminded me of a peasant girl with how she acted when she was calm. I knew she would go back to being royalty when this was over, and how it would break Penelo’s heart, but being like this made me glad I followed. I could do without the nightmares though…

Feeling Fran wrap a blanket about my shoulders, I yawned, hugging the toy to me tightly as I stood, kicking my shoes to one side. I’d worry about my pants once sleep time came, right now; I was hungry, and feeling more sociable then before. Which was to my benefit, it would assist me in forgetting my location. “Should I pull out the food?” I asked Basch in passing.

“Vaan’s on it. You just sit down and rest.” Smiling a little, he continued on, leaving me feeling a little useless. Though I knew he didn’t mean to, I just liked having something to do with myself instead of sitting idly waiting.

Seating myself, I sighed; watching Vaan drag the Courel’s corpse over, listen to him mutter about sending Penelo out alone. Cocking my head to the side, I observed Ashe, who seemed interested too. “What was she sent out for?” Just the thing I wanted to know and it was good she asked.

“Fire wood.” The thief grunted, finally bringing the meat to its destination, wiping the sweat off. “Hold on a sec if you’re going after her. I’ll follow you out.”

Remembering that Fran and I were their healers, I immediately had to butt in. “Aren’t you going to bring Fran?”

“We can get Penelo to change her gambits. Don’t worry.” Smiling reassuringly, she ran off, ignoring Vaan’s yells. It appeared that she was more concerned for the young dancer’s well being, then for how close he was to joining her.

Laughing softly to myself, I jumped at the hand suddenly placed upon my shoulder. Breathing deeply, I looked up into Basch’s apologetic eyes, resting one of my hands on his. “Would you like to place the rocks down for the fire pit?” His voice was soft, filled with concern. Nodding, I shakily brought myself to my feet, brushing off the dirt. Staring at his shoulders, I had to push aside the brooding thoughts of how small I was, and strode past, tying the blanket about my neck like a child’s cape. Fran alone brought on enough of those ideas; I didn’t need another to make me feel depressed. Though, I was sure if I warmed up to him enough, he would be like another Galbranth for me. I just had to remember it was Basch I was talking to, not a Judge of the Empire.

It was not long after that I’d collected together the rocks to make the pit, and the younglings came in, each carrying stacks of wood in their arms. They set the pieces down, watching as I set the circle of stones for them to place the wood in. “Did you bring ones for us to cook the meat on?” I asked no one in particular, merely hoping to receive a reply.

“I saved the spit from the last fire.” Basch spoke, kneeling next to me as he began setting the wood in the circle. The others couldn’t do it as Penelo was busy removing splinters from her comrades. Her hushed reprimands indicated that she had done this sort of thing before, and knew how to not receive an injury. Unlike me, who had lived a high, privileged life, and never knew hard labour until I was about sixteen. Even then, due to my sheer laziness, and spoiled history it was difficult to get me to lift a finger. Few of my mentors were capable of getting me to.

Galbranth, Zecht, and Zargabaath were the main three. Drace spoiled me in my mother’s place, and Ghis and Bergan preferred to torture me. Thus, when it came to anything I truly needed to get by in life, my three mentors were there. It is true how Galbranth is more like my father. Through my training, he was the one to wake me, dress me, teach me, and encourage me, everything my own father forgot to do.

Left to my own brooding, I sat back in my corner. Dinner had been delicious, and I’d have to remember to ask Basch where he’d learned to cook sometime. Better than many of the Archadian cooks I’d been through, that was for sure. Though, they thrived more on decorating common meals. Basch’s, while not all appealing in appearance, were exotic in taste, and exquisite in taste.

Patting my full stomach, I leaned back in my blankets; the one Fran had given to me wrapped about me as I admired the ceiling. Hearing footsteps approach, I noticed it was darker, and that two figures were growing close. Fran’s high heels clicked on one side, the soldiers thudding footsteps on the other. A comforting reassurance, as rarely did I have people sleep this close to me. Fran usually slept further away, but it seemed with the knight’s kind urgings, she drew closer, each one within reach should I, or they, need to reach out for comfort, or in comfort.

Curling up in a ball, I held the little stuffed toy tightly to me, tucked in my own cocoon of blankets. Within a few minutes I could hear Basch’s snoring on one side, and Fran’s soft murmurs of sleep on the other. Closing my eyes, I breathed softly, the last thoughts being of the brave knight, and his brother.

_“Why are you leaving?” He approached me from behind, as I packed my things in my room. The gloved hand rested on my shoulder, halting my progress. Breathing deeply, I looked up into the sad blue eyes, only outmatched by the sadness in my own._

_“I can’t live like this anymore, Galbranth. I need to leave this place. I’m tired of father blaming me for things out of my control, I’m tired of Ghis and Bergan’s torture, most of all I’m tired of all the others soldiers ridiculing me. I wanted to work with airships, not become a Judge, and have to follow orders. I hate orders!” Hugging myself, I fell onto the neatly made bed, knowing Drace had probably come in while I was asleep and made it. She would usually tend to me even though she was only assigned to be Larsa’s caregiver. The little boy didn’t seem to mind though; I was like another big brother to him._

_The Judge was silent for a moment, watching as I carefully set the toy he gave me into my bag. “You could stay with me.” He choked out, getting onto his knees, and taking my hands into his. “Please, Ffamran, just don’t leave us. Even if many others don’t care, it would break Drace and I’s heart.”_

_“It’s Balthier now.” I said coldly in response to my true name. “And while I will deeply regret leaving you two, I can’t stay here much longer. Wild birds can’t survive in cages.” Running fingers through his hair, my head darted to the window, finding the viera I was to be leaving with there, tapping the glass with her long nails. “Excuse me,” moving quickly away from him, I opened the window, letting the silver haired beauty in. “You’re early.” One eyebrow cocked, I smirked as she shook her hair from her eyes._

_“I grew tired of waiting. The humes simple amazement at having a viera in their presence is bothersome. They do not know when to stop staring.” A slight scowl on her lovely features, she stood, waiting patiently now. Not bothering to comment on my company._

_Nearing him, I smiled sadly. “My partner is here, as you can see, I still have some packing to go through. Tell Drace I am sorry for leaving without saying good bye, but it had to be done.”_

_“What of the others?” Galbranth asked quietly, staring at the floor._

_“Zecht and Zargabaath can receive an apology too. But Ghis and Bergan can rot in the Sohen Cave for all I care.” Snarling, I shoved the last of the possessions I would need into the bag._

_I hadn’t heard him stand, and I couldn’t resist jumping once I was pulled into strong arms, held close in the warm embrace. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you in time…” He murmured softly in my ear._

_“Not your fault…” Patting his hands, I pulled away, closing my back. “Good bye,” I nodded to him, following Fran out the window. “And I’m sorry.” Swallowing hard as I left, my heart broke, as my last sight of him, was the first time I’d ever seen the Judge cry._

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”_

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Balthier!” Feeling clawed hands on my shoulders, I quickly woke to find the knight, and my partner leaning over me with concerned expressions. Groggily, I sat up, holding one hand to my dizzy head. Staring at them, I was glad to at least know it wasn’t a nightmare, the fact was held up by the echoed snoring of the thief.

“What is it?” I yawned, cocking one eyebrow.

“You were talking in your sleep. We were worried.” Basch ran his fingers through my hair.

“Just a dream.” I shrugged, “not a nice one, but better then a nightmare. I dreamt of Galbranth. The only bad part about it was remembering how he cried when I left.” My eyes stared at the toy in my hands, sighing deeply as I hugged it to myself.

Nodding Fran rested her head on my shoulder. “I remember he was desperate to keep you with him.”

Feeling Basch lay on my legs, I smiled a little. “Now that you know I was only talking to the Judge in my sleep, may I rest again? I am likely not to get another good night’s rest for a while.” They chuckled at that, unanimously agreeing that I needed rest, and going back to their respective spots. Smiling myself, I curled back to rest, curious if I’d have another good dream or not.


	3. Take Me Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balthier has a nightmare of his encounter with Ghis on the Shiva, and soon after has some not so fond memories of his last encounter with Bergan on Mt. Bur Omicse.

When I woke, it was to shuffling of feet, and orders being called by Basch. Sitting up, I noticed everyone was working, but me. I could feel my cheeks flushing in embarrassment at not being awake to help them. Why didn’t they wake me to assist them? I was used to working on little sleep, and while I might sometimes get cranky, it was no big deal. So why were they moving about as if it didn’t matter that I continued to sleep?

Sitting up, I watched Basch prepare the morning’s meal, Fran rolling together hers and Basch’s belongings. Beyond her, on the other side of the hall, Vaan, Penelo, and Ashe were all conversing and packing their own things. They only noticed I was awake when Fran jumped, noticing I was now sitting up. It seemed that her hearing would occasionally fail when it came to me, and she was distracted. Then again, she is used to me making noises in his sleep. It must just be because I have not spoken yet. Usually if she woke up before me I would complain about her not waking me. This would be no different.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked, yawning and stretching my arms, giving her and the ex-knight a dark look. Judging by the accusing look the princess gave Basch, it was likely his and Fran’s collective idea. Arms now crossed over my chest, I stifled a second yawn, eyeing her in an annoyed manner.

“You needed more sleep. Now rest some more. We will be venturing deeper into the cave, and you will need all the rest you can get. I can see more nightmares coming, and your sleep will be plagued till we escape here. Because of this, you rest now, in preparation for later.” Running long fingers through my tousled hair, she gave me a soft smile. “Rest Balthier, we’ll wake you when it’s time to eat.” Picking up my toy from where it had moved to during my sleep, she placed it in my arms, gently pushing me back onto the makeshift bed.

Nodding reluctantly, I rolled over on my side, watching Basch smile thankfully to Fran out of the corner of my eye. Sighing, I cuddled up close to the stuffed doll, pulling the blanket tightly over my shoulder, burrowing deep into the covers. Thankfully it was warmer then outside my cocoon, so sleep wouldn’t be a hard goal to reach. Despite the urgings of my motherly companions though, I didn’t want to sleep. I’d would rather be helping them cooking and packing up then sleeping till time for food.

While last night’s dream was a content one, who knows what the one to come would be like. A loud sigh escaped my lips as I held Gabranth tightly in my arms. Eyes closed, I bit my lip, hoping for the best…

_“Captain Azelas, take them to Shiva.” Judge Ghis ordered as he greedily inspected the nethicite. Being the son of the researcher into nethicite, I should have known it would be such a thing. How stupid of me. Even the one I’d sought in the castle was nethicite, the very thing I’ve been avoiding all these years. It seems when you run from your past, it will catch up with you quickly. “They should have leave to return to Rabanastre soon.”_

_Turning, we all began to speak, until he spoke up again. “Leave that one with me for a moment,” halting in terror, I felt all eyes on me, though my back was to the despicable Judge. Straightening my back, I swallowed, turning to approach the man I loathed of my own will. Everyone but one imperial left, Vossler I could see, out of the corner of my eye, was at the door. I wanted to hurt him with all my might, for supplying a power hungry country with what it seeks. Meeting the Judges gaze, I crossed my arms impatiently, wanting to know what he wanted me for. I could tell he recognized me, though I didn’t want to voice it in front of the others. They wouldn’t know or understand why._

_“A want you to assess its power.” Ghis moved over to one of the lab workers._

_“Were our orders not specified that we return the stone for testing?” The worker sounded suspicious. I was too, hearing this._

_“I will not chance returning, with a stone that is yet unproven.” The judge retaliated, handing him the stone._

_Once the worker was gone, he turned back to me, a cruel smile on his face. “So, Cid’s boy has resurfaced. Last I heard of you, you were off pirating castles. Saving damsels now?” As he moved closer to me, I quickly backed away, nearing the window, I climbed up onto the sill, swallowing as he continued to draw closer. “As fretful about me as ever, I see.” He licked his lips at that, and I blushed, wishing the others were still here. At least then I could prove to be stronger than this fear burrowing in my gut._

_A gloved hand reached up to stroke my face as I watched Vossler, out of the corner of my eye try to intrude. He was quickly shunned away by the one in the room, and I held back a whimper. My last hope was gone now, and I was left with this maniac._

_Hugging my knees, I tried to make myself as strong as possible as he chuckled. “Please, let me go back to the others,” begging eyes looked into his, turning wide with fear as he removed one of his gloves, slapping me with it. Blood trickled down my cheek as the metal on the glove sliced through my skin. The now free hand moved down my body, and to my horror, he grasped my ass, the other hand slithering around to grab the other side, lifting me off the still. “Put me down!” I cried, writhing in terror. Punching his shoulders, I whimpered as his lips connected with mine. I could feel his hard length pressing against my leg, he was growing excited by my fear._

_I was bent over a nearby desk, hands feeling me from behind, making me whimper pathetically. “I could order for all your friends to go…” He purred in my ear, one hand removing my pants. I sobbed as he continued to remove my clothing, the bare hands spanking my ass. “Send them away, and keep you here…Bergan and I have really missed you. You’re screams, cries, whimpers…” The hands parted my ass cheeks, and a finger slid in, “I could even ask your father to sell you to me as a slave. I’m sure Vayne would allow it.”_

_“No! Please!” I screamed, trying to pull away. He pinned me down with all his weight. Ordering the lusty eyed soldier over, he told the man to hold my hands, and that he could to anything he wanted to my mouth._

_“He’ll be out of fight soon, rest assured.” The judge sneered, fingers running through my hair. I sobbed as both removed their pants, the guards erect cock coming into view. “Please…no…” I was hopeless now, even as Ghis began sliding the familiar length into my ass, and I clenched about it in memory. It was the cock that had raped me so many times as a teen, and now, it plagued me again, raping me mercilessly. And just like the old times, it was with out any preparation._

_It felt as if Ghis’s length was splitting me in half, the pain was so tremendous. Clinging to the guard, I was about to scream, but found my mouth full of his throbbing member, chuckles erupting from both men. Crying, I rocked between them, the relentless Judge slapping my ass, as if I were a child in need of punishment. Though this was no punishment worthy of a child, and only the kind a malicious pervert would deal out._

_The guard merely busied himself tugging on my hair. He grunted small orders to me, treating me as if I were an unwilling virgin, or some flighty whore in need of guidance. Being neither, I wanted to make him stop it, but the force of both of them holding me in place prevented that._

_The sudden flow of semen into my mouth made me choke as the guard came, leaving only Ghis, who was still pounding into my broken, unwilling body. The guard pulled away, sitting down as he tucked his spent member into his trousers. Patting me on the cheek, he waited, just like I, for the Judge to finish his torture of my anus._

_The grotesque man was panting heavily above me as he began to reach climax. It was a disgusting symphony for the ears, their pre and post-orgasmic sounds. Hands over my ears, I grimaced, licking the guard’s semen from my lips as I waited for the man to finish. It should be soon though, knowing Ghis’s age, and how he was currently pounding into the unprepared young man he’d been dreaming about. It was disgusting to know Ghis had been longing for me all these years…_

_Once he finally came, back arched, pounding into me one last time, he staggered back, holding himself steady against one of the walls. Quickly I began pulling my pants on, covering my eyes as silent sobs broke through me. I’d have to compose myself before I went back to the others. Act as if I didn’t just get raped. They wouldn’t care…I was just the silly sky pirate to them. They’d only assume I was asking for it. Only Fran would console me…in her cold viera ways._

_Before the judge could say anything, or even reach out to grab me, I ran for the door. Filthy and torn again, I sought out solace in the only place I could, Fran. She was beyond those doors, and I had to get through, to have her hold me, and tell me that everything was alright. If I had the strength, or even the bravery, I’d take the guards sword, and kill both of them as they lay in post-orgasmic bliss, but deciding against it, I stayed facing the door. Opening the door to the dock, hands out to be cuffed, I was faced with the sorrow filled eyes of the Dalmascan Captain._

_“I’m sorry…I should have help…but they wouldn’t let me…I’m sorry.” He said, while trapping my hands._

_“Not a word of this to the others.” I snarled, baring my teeth in anger. Only Fran, my rapists, and I should know what took place. Having him being one of the ones that knew kept me on edge, and wary. Would he think I was someone who was easily taken advantage of? Or would there be an unusual, awkward amount of sympathy to come from the man? I hoped not, though I also hoped never to see him again after leaving the dreaded ship, and Ghis._

_Shoving my way past him, two large viera ears came into view, and long lithe arms almost embraced me as they pushed past the soldiers in her way. She was a comforting sight, and I nearly fell to my knees crying. A cock of her head to the side, and sad eyes, I could tell she knew what had happed, and it made me hurt inside more. I had to tell her, just had to…_

_“Balthier! Wake up!” The familiar voice of the viera sounded urgent and alarmed. Odd almost as at this time as it rang in my ears. Why would she be telling me to wake up during such a time…?_

“Wake up, Balthier!”

A soft slapping sensation woke me from my slumber, and I blushed, looking up at my worried companions. Coughing, I rollded over to look at the ground blushing as they all continued to stare in fear at me. It was more fear with Ashe, Penelo, and Vaan though, as if I might attack them for listening into my nightmares. With Basch and Fran…their eyes showed genuine concern for me. Rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes, I felt an odd wetness on them and pulled them back, finding them tear soaked, as expected. So it had all been a dream. Though real as well, being a recollection of the time before Captain Azelas’s betrayal. It was a rough time for all of us but the orphans at that point, with Basch and Ashe consoling each other, and Fran consoling me. The mourning and sadness lasted for days before we could finally move on, though everyone disguised it as plan making time…

“You were having another nightmare…” Basch murmured, taking out a cloth and cleaning my tearstained eyes. “Writhing and crying…we were worried about you.”

Rolling onto my back, and quickly sitting up, I hugged my knees to my chest, looking warily at the youngest ones in our group. They didn’t move away though, wanting to know about my nightmare as much as Basch and Fran did. Swallowing, I finally spoke in a shaky voice, “it was Judge Ghis…another one about Judge Ghis raping me…though this time was more recent.” Resting a cheek on one knee, I closed my eyes as Basch’s fingers began running through my hair in a calming manner.

They all waited for him to continue, I could see Ashe holding her breath. They all, aside from Fran, wondering at what point recently could I have been raped by Ghis. One of the viera’s hands was rested on my shoulder, and I took it, grasping it for some of her strength. I’d need it for this confession.

“Aboard the Leviathan, after it was confessed that Captain Azelas was betraying us, and before we were shipped off to Shiva. When he’d asked for me to stay behind…he raped me then. I was lucky to get out. He wanted to keep me there as a plaything, like he used to.” Tears ran down my cheeks as I buried my face in my knees, sobbing silently. The memories building up hurt, though the incident was past. “I was fortunate that when we came upon Bergan, he was incapacitated before he could do anything to me.”

The blinking, confused eyes of the captain looked down in confusion at me, “but you still stayed behind.”

I nodded, remembering that day;

_When I’d checked him, he seemed unconscious; I thought luck was on my side as I spoke with the others. Make foolish plans to head for Archades, all thanks to my big mouth, and watch the flirtatious Al-Cid hobble out of the temple. Everything was fine, though I wanted to go back, Fran close behind me, to take one last look at the Judge before we had to leave. Let the Kiltias pray for their fallen, peaceful leader alone, with only the refugee’s to comfort them. It was a sad thing that had happened here because of this man today. Thankfully, nothing more would happen with him dead._

_Standing up, I made to leave._

_“Ffamran…” a small voice called for me as I began to step away from the nearly lifeless body of the fallen judge. Stopping in my tracks, I watched the viera ears before me twitch. She’d heard it too. Breathing deeply, knowing the man could do nothing to me in this state, I looked over my shoulder at the dying Judge._

_“Move on without me,” I called ahead to them, “I catch up momentarily!” With that, I spun on my heels, approaching the Judge. Falling to my knees, I looked into the familiar eyes, as a weak hand reached up to run fingers through my hair. Wincing at the contact, I felt a shudder run through me as he chuckled low in his through, coughing through it._

_The weak hand pulled me down so our noses barely touched it. Fear was building up in me, as well as nervousness at his intentions. Lips connected with mine, and I couldn’t resist the whimper that escaped me as the hand wound around my neck holding me there. One of my hands steadied me, sitting on his chest, feeling the slow rise and fall of the dying man’s chest. Pulling back I stared into the cold eyes. “I’ll never forgive you, you know…” I murmured against his lips as he laughed._

_“Matters not, I regret nothing.” The hand in my hair moved to my buttocks, and I could not help the gasp that escaped me. Quickly stumbling away, I shuddered as he let out a choked laugh, “you’re still the frightened rabbit you were as a boy, only more handsome. I just wish I could have lived a little longer to break that tight hind end of yours again.”_

_Gasping at those words, I quickly stumbled to my feet, eyes on the verge of tears. He and Ghis would never change, and they’d die as they lived; power hungry and filthy perverts. Fran was at the door, she’d seen everything, and as I ran to her, she gently wrapped an arm about me. I held back the tears, swallowed, and composed myself before moving on to leave for the rough journey ahead._

“Balthier!” The soldier chuckled, and I blushed returning from my reverie.

“I apologize, I was thinking. Back after fighting Bergan, I’d returned because he’d called me by my true name, and I wanted to see what he needed from me. It appeared molestation was on his mind, I am fortunate by then we’d already incapacitated him. Thus, all he could get was a kiss, and a grope of my hind end. Though I’m sure he got a splendid view when I left. Both of them proclaimed to have wanted to keep me around though. Lady Luck is ironically smiling upon me, and yet at the same time, shunning me away.” I scowled, resting my chin in one hand, pouting.

They all laughed with me, though some of them looked nervous. I didn’t blame them, such a topic must be quite awkward, especially when they thought I was such a tough, brave, pirate. Sadly, I had to break their image of me by falling to tears at my own misfortune. “May we eat now?” I asked softly, wanting to move on and get out of the terrible place as quickly as possible. We still had some time to trek through, and I wanted to get through it quickly. I’d feel better once we were in Old Archades, among the rejects that the high city threw aside to wallow in their own self pity, and foolish hopes. Many a time when I’d gone there, they’d said I was lucky to be born into money. Little did they know how unlucky I was to be raped at every chance by lusty Judges.

Basch nodded, pulling back and helping me up. I stiffened at the hand around my waist, but relaxed quickly, blushing as the ex-knight kissed my forehead in reassurance. He would not harm me; I’d have to realize this sooner or later. The sooner the better with how our relationship was growing to be more close and this I feared the most. How would he react to having a broken heart given to him so willingly? A heart that suffered years of breaking, torment, wear, and tear, left to bleed and never fixed. Could he fix it for me? Make the world seem right?

Though, I was tempted to pull away, alienate myself out of fear of rejection from the captain, but his grip on my waist prevented it. I was dragged to the pit, the meal out before me, and set down. There, he set a plate in my hand and began serving the food to me as the others cautiously approached.

“We make leave as soon as he is able.” Basch announced flatly, as if challenging anyone to question him. Wondering why he said that, I looked over my shoulder to find the Princesses mouth open, as if about to speak. As I eyed her, she shut it quickly, storming off. Her heart was in this, but me being only a sky pirate, and the estranged son of a mad man…she didn’t care what happened to me; only her Dalmascan people. Which would be why she’d run to protect Penelo.

Feeling slightly shunned, I hugged my knees again, working slowly eating my food as Ashe glared at me childishly. “Ignore her. She worries too much about what we have to do for this quest. Makes me wish she were a child again, so I could be the one to worry…” Basch sighed, seating himself next to me. “Her love is in her kingdom and its people, and you being an Archadian…”

“I was gone long before the invasion, and Nabradia’s fall.” I looked stiffly from him, to her departing form, “I’d run away about four years before the war, I’m more pirate, or inhabitant of Balfonheim then an Archadian.” Fingers went through my hair, and I tried to shove the insistent man away. He wrapped an arm about my waist, holding me close as I pouted.

“Aye, but she needs to work on realizing that not every Archadian is evil, and that not every Rabanastran is kind.” Resting his forehead against mine, he grinned, making me blush. How was it this man could have such an effect on me?

Coughing, I pulled away, focusing on the prepared meal before me. Eating quietly, I listened as the others crowded around, beginning conversation now that I was not feeling hostile. When it turned to the cave, I looked at them all. “We need to see that we are prepared. The Archadian’s and others locked powerful beings in here; the Mangragora’s were merely little wanderers that hunters would stumble upon. There are other dangerous beings in here, far worse than even the Imps and Zombies in the opening of the cave.” They all looked at me, as if curious as to how I knew. “Ghis had thrown me into a room not far from here. To see if I could escape, I went the other way…I soon found out a wraith was in there, and ran from it. Exiting into the other area…I came upon headless beings, and other such terrors. Running back into it…I was lucky I survived. Gabranth had found me missing and came to see where I was…He found me on the floor bleeding. He didn’t kill the wraith, merely picked me up and ran.”

A sigh escaped the princess, “so we prepare for a possible wraith?”

“We get as strong as we can, and supply up on restoratives, and strong weapons…though in our location, ‘tis best to focus on strength, treasures, and stealing restoratives. Use as little as possible, and our magic’s as much as we can. It’ll help us for the trek ahead.” I forked a piece of meat into my mouth, eyeing her out of the corner of my eye. She was a bit too determined at the moment on destroying Archades…or at least seeking revenge. I once had been, but the ones I sought revenge on were dead, and I was still fitful at nights.

“How good are you for the journey?” She asked quickly, making me want to hurt her. Rush, rush, rush, the princess needed to get laid. And I knew a Rozzarian prince, and a Rabanastran thief who’d be only too delighted to see up that skirt of hers. Though I’m sure Vaan only goes unconscious while she’s in battle formation to get said peek. Basch? Whenever she bends over he turns redder then a Rogue Tomato. I can even see Penelo blushing at times. It’s amusing though, Fran is wearing less, and it’s Ashe everyone’s fussing over the clothes of.

“Good enough, though I’d recommend depending on Fran more than me. I may freeze in the middle of battle, and I wouldn’t want that to happen.” A strong need for alcohol was running through me, and I hid my face in my hands momentarily. Emotionally I was drained, and with Ashe pressing for our journey to move on, things only grew worse.

“Don’t pressure him Ashe!” I heard Penelo cry from just across the pit from me, “he’s our only way in, and he might back out if you hassle him. Just give him a few minutes. This is all probably very stressful for him. How would you feel in his place?” The dancer’s hands were on her hips in a chastising manner as she glared at the older woman.

I smiled thankfully at the young orphan as Ashe choked a little, hands over her mouth in shock. A blush rose into her cheeks, and I rose, handing my cleared plate to Basch. “I’ll pack my things, than help you with the rest.” Quietly, I went back to my spot, picking up and dusting off the blankets.

The next while went by quietly, with everyone pulling back camp and moving on. Fran insisted on going on before me, and I couldn’t help the blush coming to my cheeks. I felt weak and helpless as she healed Basch, and Penelo. Vaan and Ashe were merely silent as they walked along side me, the princess giving me nervous glances as if I were going to lash out at her for pressuring me. I wouldn’t though, knowing she had her kingdom in her best interests. Pirates were just a mere nuisance; one of the common ideas between Dalmasca and Archades. We were left only to Balfonheim, making things rough as the port grew over populated by pirates, and would be pirates.

I was contented in my walking though, privately inspecting the tensing in Basch’s calves as he killed a headless beast. The way Fran shook her hair. The knights strong arms, thick thighs, sweaty neck, pulsing muscles. Cocking my head to the side, I was aware Vaan was talking to me, but not what we was saying.

Shaking my head vigorously, I turned a deep red, looking at the young pirate in training. “Yes?” my voice was weak, even to my own ears, and I couldn’t help but sneak another look at the object of my attentions. He cut down another pest, gesturing for us to keep up, Ashe quickly running ahead.

I followed the orphan keeping pace. Recognizing the area, my breathing halted momentarily. Opening the doors ahead, fight the monsters, walk through…fight the wraith. “We draw close!” I called to them, hugging myself and hoping we were strong enough. Poised at the door to the creature, I shuddered in fear. They entered before me, Basch, Fran and Penelo immediately moving in on the ghostly enemy. It hovered above them, and when it multiplied, I wanted to cry. There was now more than one thing before us to kill us all, and destroy my only friends.

Thankfully, we defeated it, and I fell to the ground, shuddering in fear. Basch ran over, taking me into his arms, whispering soothing words in my ear, trying to stop the flow of tears coming from my eyes. I sobbed into his shoulder, ignoring the annoyed scoff coming from the princess.

“I wonder how he ever survived Ghis and Bergan coming after him if he just flinches at being around a wraith.” She sighed, shaking her hair from her eyes.

Pulling back, I glared at her, “Ghis only held a sword to my neck that day, I didn’t expect him to recognize me. Bergan was dying by the time he recognized me. The wraith was a wild being that I thought would kill us all…like I thought he would kill Gabranth and I those years ago.” I stared at the floor solemnly now, playing with the soldiers vest.

“Ashe, while he may not have the strength you have…he has a unique one of his own, relating to his own situation.” Fran’s calm words made me smile a little as she rested a hand on the princess’s shoulder, calming her rage. “Yours is the strength of a fallen queen, and widow. His…is one of a broken man. You face yours with anger, his with fear. Your strength is moving on in life…his is facing his fears. I would say he is being pretty strong having made it this far without running in fear terror, no matter how many times I am sure he has thought of it.”

The lady’s eyes were on the ground now, and I could see she was contemplating the viera’s words. Slowly, she turned to me, taking a deep breath, “I’m sorry Balthier. I just wish to be done with this as soon as possible. I don’t want my people to be stuck in a profitless war any longer. I want to see them free of empire rule.” Tears fell from her eyes as she fell to her knees, crawling up next to Basch and embracing me. I was surprised by this, and giving Fran a thankful look, I used my one available arm to embrace her.

Suddenly the rest of them, even Fran, ran over to join in on the embrace. I could feel Vaan behind me, sandwiching me between him and the soldier. Penelo then came up next to the princess with Fran on my other side. Tears began to flow freely from my eyes now at this sudden display of love, and caring. We were a team for once, together without any fighting…or any of Vaan’s silly remarks. Though I had a feeling it would come up soon.

To my luck, it didn’t, we pulled apart, and moved on. I held Basch’s hand nervously for a moment, before he broke off, moving on to watch ahead of us. Swallowing, I stayed behind, hugging my shoulders once more. This time, Ashe and Vaan walked alongside me proudly, smiling away, and comforting me when I jumped. It was a welcome change from the glares, and scared looks. I would have to thank Fran some time.

The lift up to the dreaded Old Archades entrance came into view, and I fell to my knees, whimpering. Quickly, Basch lifted me, carrying me through. Weakly, I punched his chest as we moved on, glad there were no more beasts, or rare powerful beings. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I listened as Ashe unlocked the door to the entrance, whimpering lightly.

We were in the passage I’d been raped in. Everyone stopped as I wiggled, Basch setting me down on my feet. Slowly, I moved to the spot where they’d taken me many times before, a hand on the wall as I inspected it. In some places I could still see blood, making me want to vomit what food that was in me out. On the floor, I noticed some shredded clothing, and too my horror even long deep claw marks where I’d struggled to get away. Sticking a fist in my mouth to stifle the scream, I fell against one wall, sliding down it.

They all ran over, each one taking turns to give my living nightmare a disgusted look. “We rest here, and then move on.” Basch spoke, silencing Ashe and I’s protests. “Tis in your best interest Balthier. You need to face your nightmares, and here it is.” Lightly, he ran a hand through my hair, drawing a small sob from my lips. Quickly, he pulled me into an embrace, ignoring me as I punched his shoulders.

Oh how I could have killed him at that moment.

Setting up camp, they all ignored Ashe and I as we sulked near the entrance to the lift. We were equally unhappy with the arrangements. I’d rather stay in Old Archades, and she’d rather move on to Draklor. As the time moved on, I rested against the wall.

Dinner went by uneventfully, and I fought slightly as Fran and Basch put me to rest. With a loud huff, I curled up against the wall, a light whimper escaping my lips. The soldier embraced me from behind, Gabranth hugged up against my front. It was a small comfort, in the terror I was sleeping in.


	4. I Never Knew Love (Until Him)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the group takes rest in the Sohen Caves, Balthier is plagued by another nightmare. After, he visits an old friend while on his own in Archades.

_“I will not have you spreading anymore lies, Ffamran!” the elder archadian cried, slamming his fist on his work desk. The dark eyes moved to glare at me, and I shuddered in fear, my armor making slight chiming sounds as I slowly backed away. Father never believed me when I told him about the other Judge Magisters’ treatment of me. I am sixteen, almost a man, and yet he still treats me like an attention seeking child! Even with the evidence engraved into my neck, and Gabranth’s own testimony of my treatment! My time in the healer’s room did not even deter him, after the wraith’s attack upon the judge magister and I._

_My vision was blurred by tears now, as I held my helmet tightly, knuckles going white with the tightness of my grip. Cid was sighing about something, I did not know what as my attention was on how much trouble I was in for disturbing him with ‘silly talk’ as he called it. Shifting my feet, I stared at the floor, slowly turning to leave quietly, but the entrance of Ghis and Bergan made me stop in my tracks. I had only noticed their feet at first, with my head lowered, but recognizing their boots, I quickly looked up, moving out of the way. Looking as regal as usual, Ghis walked past me, while Bergan sneered at me from the doorway, blocking any chance of escape._

_Father had gone back to sitting, and was sighing now, which worried me. The subtle pinch of the bridge of his nose, and the tapping of his nails on the desk was increasing the anxiety within me. What was he up to?_

_The answer came quickly as he looked at Ghis. “Is the spare quarters within your suite prepared?” he asked coldly, and my heart sank, fear in my eyes. Any and all respect for the man dwindled right then. He was no longer my father, but an insane monster._

_“No…” I whispered, backing away. My nightmare was becoming worse._

_Both of them were sneering at me when my back hit the bookshelves. “Yes,” Bergan nodded at Father. “We can move him in immediately.”_

_Eyes wide, I tried to move past Bergan, quickly grabbed, even while kicking and struggling. My fists were hitting his back feebly, ignoring the laughs that were coming from Ghis. My father was shaking his head at my actions while I screamed at Bergan to put me down. “No! Father! Don’t leave me with them!” Tears were falling from my eyes; my father’s betrayal was devastating me and I was completely stunned, though it was not enough to prevent me from continuing to fight off my captors. The situation was so terrible; it left me wanting to go seek solace in Gabranth’s embrace, perhaps even Drace’s. She always had a hot cup of cocoa ready…even if she usually made them for the little prince._

_He waved them – the judge magisters, and my cries of mercy – off with a flick of his hand, and they left with me, still kicking to break free. “Should be fun, eh Ffamran?” Ghis said, walking alongside Bergan. One of his gloved hands reached up to grab my chin, looking into my eyes with the cold ones of his own. “We’ll be able to beak you in our own bed tonight.” The small laugh from them both made me cry harder as I was carried to their rooms. My tears were gliding down my cheeks, and onto the leather gloves of the judge. The sound was like rain, making the gloomy mood even darker._

_It was then I decided it was time to get out of here; I had to think of a plan of escape. I could no longer trust my own family, and in this position, where my guardian handed me to the ones that harmed me, not even the people I did trust could save me now._

_Slowly, a hand began to grope my thigh, working its way up to my ass. Choked sobs came from me, and all I could say was;_

_“Please…no…”_

“Balthier! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare!” The light, feminine voice rang in my ears, startling me from my sleep. Opening my eyes, I stared into the brown ones of the princess, and winced, finding a small bruise on her cheek. I must have hit her in my sleep. Giving her an apologetic look, I reached out to touch it.

She jumped a little in surprise more than pain. Smiling, she breathed out a sigh of relief, seeing that I was calm. “The others and I were worried about you.” Looking away, blushing, she added, “I’d barely noticed you were having a fit until I felt you hit me. Fran was the first to notice, and was trying to wake me up so we could wake you.” It was then I looked over her shoulder to find Basch and Fran kneeling there, both of their eyes were on me, and now I was blushing in a deeper shade then the princess.

Looking away from all of them, I sat up, pulling my knees close to my chest. “I apologize…” I did not know what else to say. Tell them that I had, had a nightmare about my father sending me to my demise? How he would not believe me in my time of need? How he’d helped the devious judge magisters’ ruin my life? I kept my eyes focused on the wall of Sohen Cave entrance, avoiding looking at them.

Gentle hands pried me away from my corner though, lifting me away from the side of the cave. As I was about to growl in annoyance until I found dark blue eyes looking into mine with determination, and worry. “’Tis not your fault, Balthier…” he spoke softly, holding me close to him. Looking to where I previously was, I noticed the princess had moved away to allow him to comfort me. A swift overlook of the entrance told me that the orphans were awake now as well, watching the captain and me with avid interest.

Quickly, I hid my face in his chest, listening to the comforting pulse of his heart. If I could have crawled under a rock at that moment, I would have, but the captain’s strong embrace prevented any quick escape. Squirming, I tried to indicate to the older man that I was feeling quite uncomfortable with my current situation, and he seemed to catch my drift.

He set me on my feet near his own bedding, looking to the others. “We can discuss it later, as being here is clearly bothering him. We need to get moving, so everyone, each, freshen up, pack up, and let’s go.” I nodded behind him rummaging through the food sack, and pulling out something for myself to eat for breakfast.

They watched me apprehensively, Fran being the only one brave enough to take the bag from me. I merely sat there, eating the succulent fruit quietly.

It all went smoothly from there, though the orphans were the quickest ones to pack and leave. It must have been their questionable excitement to see the imperial city. I stretched, standing in the bright sunlight of Old Archades, noticing Vaan and Penelo ahead. Basch and Ashe came up behind Fran and I.

“-but we’re in more like a sewer…” the distinct sound of the thief’s voice, as he spoke to the young dancer, carried to my ears, and I had to comment on his words.

“Even empires have need of sewers.” My hands moved to my hips as I slowly began to walk towards them. “The runoff from Archades proper pools here; those who lack papers to live in the city itself. The mighty who have fallen…and the fallen who would be mighty. Their eyes never leave Archades.” Much like yours…I wanted to add, standing almost next to the boy who had perched himself up high.

“I guess it must be a lot nicer then this place.”

“Oh, to be sure,” I had to hold in a laugh, “Archades reeks of a different filth.” Crossing my arms over my chest, I watched him hop off his perch, everyone surrounding me. I was the only one who knew Archades well enough, and they relied on me to get them to Draklor, sadly. “Let’s be off. We can follow our noses to Draklor…” Uncrossing them, I looked in the direction of proper Archades and began to walk, listening as everyone kept in step behind me. My determination to get this over with, and be as far away from the dreadful city only outweighed Princess Ashe’s determination to reclaim her throne.

I separated myself from the group, talking to some of the people, knowing what was to come at the end of it. Rushing about, I found every person, listening to every detail of juicy information I could get. In Old Archades, as well as with the proper one; information was as good as a pouch of gil. It could also get you good money.

As I began to cross the bridge that lead to the other side of Old Archades, Basch held me back. “What are you doing, Balthier?” everyone but Fran looked confused as to what I was doing.

“Information is like money here. You’ll see once we make it to the end…” with that, I continued on, not telling him who I was dreading on seeing at gates of Archades. More people would be on the way to Archades, and of course…him.

Once we were at the entrance, I watched, only slightly amused as Vaan attempted to get in. As quick as he went up, they sent him back off, as he did not have the necessary paperwork. Out of all of us, I was the only one with the papers, and I did not want them all to know that the son of Cidolfus Bunansa was in Archades again. It would create an uproar that we did not need. As well, rumours would reach my father faster than I could keep them in check.

Slowly, I began my pace back to the other end, noticing how the others were watching me. They followed behind at a leisurely pace, unsure of my actions, though Fran probably had an idea.

As I passed a corner, a familiar man came out of nowhere. “Having trouble getting into Archades?” he asked in a low purr, and I could not help but roll my eyes.

“Oh wonderful. Enter the streetear.” Just the man I was looking for. “Hello, Jules.”

“Ffam - ” I gave him a quick glare as he began to say my real name, halting him quickly. “Balthier.” With a sly smile he corrected himself quickly, smart man. “I can see you’ll need my help.” The smirk made me want to hit him, but I just stood there.

“What’s going on? Who is he?” Vaan’s voice rang behind me, and I turned to see the group (sans Fran) watching curiously. The viera was familiar enough with the streetear.

“He is a dealer in information. You tell him something, and he’ll give you help, or money.” I jutted a thumb in the man’s direction. “As I had said earlier, information is as good as money here.”

“So, thousand five hundred gil for my services.” He stuck out his hand expectantly.

Groaning inwardly, I looked to the others. “He’s reliable, so trust me with this.” At that, I pulled the desired amount out of one of my side pouches, handing it to him.

“As I know you’re the one with enough knowledge to have his ear to the ground, tell me, what have you heard?”

“Man on the other end of Old Archades has miraculously attained himself a good amount of money.”

“Perfect…Beasley’s lost a big amount of money he’s been scrapping together. Go find him, and tell him. He’s likely to be at…” listening to the instructions, I took off at a jog to find the depraved man.

Once finding him, it was a matter of telling the fallen man, and watching what would happen. With that task out of the way, I went back up the upper half, and had to dive into the safety of the boxes Jules was sitting on with the others as the Imperials ran past. A couple of commoners were yelling, “’Ey! ‘Tis a fight! Beasley’s gone wild!” The information worked.

With a quick smile to the streetear, I went to the gates again, the others following eagerly. I did not even hear a word about the legality of our actions. Though I knew Jules was not far behind. It would not be a difficult task for them to cross. I had nine Pinewood chops, and a Sandalwood for myself. It was enough to get myself across and them across after some shopping as I knew that taxi’s required either a million gil, or nine pinewood chops (or a sandalwood one, but those were rare, I was lucky that I’d saved up my pinewoods earned as a teen). You could keep them of course; just having them was a writ of transit in Archades. Sandalwood got you into more places, thus, when we arrived, I handed the nine to Jules, explaining to him to hand them to the group, as I had business to attend to.

As we walked along the road, the orphans going ahead to explore the imperial city, the thief running ahead with Penelo walking calmly behind him. Basch, Ashe, Fran and I all stayed behind. The city was nothing surprising to us. Especially to me.

Listening as they chattered, Basch striding up to talk to them, I watched the Princess. During our journeys, her opinions of him seemed to change. From a traitor, to a loyal knight once more. I could almost admire her ability to forgive him, while he was the one accused of killing her father.

He is too much of a tame lion, with a good heart to do such a thing. During Vossler’s death, it could be seen; his loyalties were in the people, not the location…

“You seem troubled…” the soft voice murmured next to me.

Looking up at Fran, I crossed my arms, looking forward again. “I need to check on something…” I whispered back, refusing to look at her.

“…You are going to see him are you not?” the musical tone of laughter in her voice could be heard. My mouth twitched slightly, refusing to smile. She knew me too well. As well as she knew the man I sought outs habits too. “I will watch them then, and take care of your shopping…as well as that rat, Jules. You just make sure that he is in face there.”

Nodding, I passed Ashe, walking to the taxi. I could hear them all making questioning noises, and trying to speak to me, but a hushed sound from Fran ceased it. My stride turned to a jog as I rounded the corner from their sight.

He always had lunch in the same spot. Many times I had caught Gabranth eating at the other side of Archades. The excitement boiling in me was making me feel as if I was about to burst. My heart was racing, and all I could think about was finding the taxi, and making it into my mentor’s arms.

The Judge Magister had a routine. Wake up, dress, go for breakfast, reports, check the troops, lunch…about this time was his lunch time. When I was young I would follow him there, he would get me something, we would talk, and he would send me on to my father. As I grew older, my time with him grew longer; he was my shelter from reality…still is. One of the few peoples I could trust…during the past six years…only two people have been added to those ranks; Fran, and Basch. Before, it was only Zecht, Gabranth, Drace…and Zargabaath. Years and only six people in the world I can trust with my life. Not so comforting when you think of it.

Holding the Sandalwood chop out, I entered the taxi without a word, ignoring the rude sound the driver made. Sitting, I stared out at the imperial city. The quiet ride left me to think, and my main thoughts were…should I be doing this? Should I be abandoning the party to seek a judge out? He could get the information from me and stop what we are doing! Though, I am a strong man in interrogations; against Gabranth I am weak.

The stop jolted me from my thoughts, scowling as the driver yelled; “end of the line mister!” Hopping to my feet, I stepped out, Tsenoble – the grand upper level of Archades – before my eyes.

Strutting away, I followed my nose and my heart to the cafes…and there he was, out of his judge’s armor. He was merely in a black sleeveless turtle neck, leather pants, and steel toe boots with his favourite meal before him. I could turn back now, knowing he would be gone by the time the others came back. I could run discreetly for the higher parts of Tsenoble, wait away for him to leave, and return. But how lonely he looked made my feet move towards him.

He did not even look up as I approached his table, eyes focused on the paper he was reading. I considered leaving, until;

“And your purpose in standing there and watching me is? Kindly tell me who you are, and what you want.” Swallowing, I lowered myself so I was sitting on my heels, looking up at him now.

“Merely to visit an old friend…” my words were soft, quiet. If it was not for how he turned, wide eyed to stare at me, I could have sworn he did not hear me.

His mouth opened a few times, nothing coming out. We stared in silence, the wide, blue eyes like those of Captain Basch’s observed me, until he finally spoke. “F-Ffamran?!” it was an uncharacteristic squeak, and I could not help but smile, nodding.

“Yes…it me Gabranth. I was in town, and could not help but visit you…” smiling weakly, I leaned against the thigh closest to me. Closing my eyes, I tried not to cry, feeling the rapid heartbeat beneath me. He was as stunned by this as I was. “I know this is sudden…I just had to see you…”

Ungloved fingers moved to run through my hair, comforting me. “Things must be easier for you at least…Bergan and Ghis are dead…” he laughed softly, and I blushed, looking away. “Sadly, Zecht ran away, and Drace is dead too…”

Eyes wide, my head flew up to stare at him. “I – I knew about Ghis and Bergan…but Drace is gone too?!” I choked out, voice going hoarse.

“How did you - ?” obviously he refused to answer about Drace until I replied.

“I was in on their deaths…I was with the Princess at the time of Ghis’s foolish death, and Bergan’s murder…” Coughing into my hand, I looked away, only turning back to him when his hand took my chin, turning me to him.

The blue eyes were cold, but quickly softened. “Then I assume you know where Basch Fon Ronsenburg is.” It was not a question, but a statement.

“You’d be correct. But I will not tell you. He looks surprisingly like you, you know.” I smirked a little, watching him for a response.

A little smile came to the man’s face, as he closed his eyes, nodding. “He mentioned having a twin did he?”

I stood, moving to the seat across from him, to tell him of how I knew. Leaning in close, I spoke in a hushed voice; “A brother of one of the soldiers you killed attacked Basch when we were escaping the Nalbina Dungeon’s. When his cage landed, he helped us in our journey out. Though, along the way, with some persuasion, he explained to us the reason for his determination in his belief of his innocence. I only believed him, knowing who you are, and what Vayne is like.”

Sighing, he rubbed his face, watching me with tired eyes. “He is right. I am his younger twin. Though neither of us has acknowledged the other in years…that’s not counting the time he spent in Nalbina. So…we’ve never reached out to each other in a loving, or brotherly way since we separated…after the fall of Landis, and he chose to aide Dalmasca. It seems that both of us have kept the others existence a secret to our comrades though.”

“Understandable,” I nodded. “Who would want to tell their country, especially if they are of high standing, that they have a brother, ney a twin, in the enemy country? It would make it difficult…though motive to attack if you hate them…and perfect if they still harbor feelings of affection.” I gave him a pointed look, but he looked away, refusing to answer.

“He still cares, does he?” finally speaking, he covered his mouth, not looking at me, but at the table.

“He hasn’t said anything…but I can tell. He’s a loyal man, with not much else left.” Sitting back, I sighed, knowing the party, mainly the princess, were the last things he had in life. Without Gabranth, it would be difficult for him to regain Dalmasca’s trust. Though, Ashe’s trust would be a great assistance.

“…So you came to scold me, tell me that you’ve killed your nightmares, and all around terrorize me? Ffamran, you have not changed much.” He chuckled, pulling back to smile at me.

Scowling a little, I blushed. “Would you stop calling me Ffamran? It’s Balthier now. I got rid of that name when I left…and it’s not my fault that Ghis has never been the smartest of men, or that Bergan decided to kill us after his brutal murder of the Gran Kiltias.”

The smile softened his laughter ceasing as he reached out to stroke one of my cheeks. “You have never taken teasing well, have you? I could have murdered them myself for leaving you in such a state. They could never make a good joke that didn’t end in tears for you…I remember how Zecht and Drace would always tread lightly about you to make sure you never began bawling your eyes out…and until your Archadian birth certificate says that your name is Balthier, I will forever call you Ffamran. You were born with that name, and will live with it until I die.” Gently taking one of my earrings into his grip, he inspected it quietly, leaving me to mull over what he had said.

“It seems that you are not the only one with a ‘to the death bed’ promise with me. Though Ghis was the…’luckier’ of the two.” When he gave me a confused look, I continued, “They both seemed intent on keeping me as a sex slave. Though, died before they could throw be over their shoulder like the barbarians they are, and drag me back to Archades. And that’s not including how determined they are to rape me at every chance they got. Bergan, however, only got a few minutes, a kiss, and a grope out of me before his death. My inner kindness won out, when he was dying, and he took his chance, and told me of his intentions. Ghis, though, took me to a place in private, sent the others off and…” I shuddered at the memory, rubbing my arms as a feeling of dirtiness washed over. “I seem to attract the worst sort of people…if I knew what it was that attracted those sorts, maybe then I could find a way to stop it.”

Unwrapping myself, I ran a hand through my hair, blushing as I noticed how he was staring at me, quietly, with a dark look in his eyes. “Sorry to unload all this on you so suddenly…I should probably go.” Making a move to stand, I was startled as he grabbed one of my hands, still thinking, but refusing to let me go. Taking his hand, I placed mine over his, smiling a little. “Finish your lunch. I’m sure you’ll want to be out of the area when your brother comes. He is on his way, as I promised the group I would meet them at the Taxi stop.”

That caught his attention, as his head darted up, eyes fixed on mine. “Basch is in Archades?!” it was a hushed hiss, blue eyes narrowed. I nodded, and he released me, pulling his lunch together.

“We are on our way to Draklor. He has no intentions of disturbing you, but I don’t want any fights right now…especially when we would lose out. A small party in Archades stands no chance.” Standing there, I waited for him to finish, before straightening himself to stare into my eyes.

“Your reasoning is understandable, Ffamran, though you should have warned me sooner. I have no intentions of crossing his path at this time, like you have to intentions of us seeing each other right now. We must see each other again soon. Just don’t get into trouble, okay?” he pulled me in for a heartwarming embrace, which left me breathless. Moving away quickly, he held his paper in his mouth for a moment, which drew a giggle like sound from me.

Rolling his eyes, he pulled it out, and stuffed it under his arm. “I must go. They will be startled to have me back so early, but I can handle it. Just make sure they don’t get caught here. Many people here are smarter than you think.” With that said, he ran for the elevator which would escort him up to another Taxi service.

Smiling, I sat once more, considering getting myself something to eat as I wait for the others to arrive. I could not tell anyone what just happened, though I could be told to Fran some time…

The passing Taxi’s distracted me enough, yawning as I waited patiently. Knowing Jules, he probably worked all their gil out of them. They have probably gone on a wild goose chase as well. Hopefully, they had enough time to do some shopping, and sell the loot collected in the Cave. I would have to have a long discussion with the streetear about priorities, and screwing around with good friends, and their companions. I have known him since I was young, back in the days when I was living in the imperial city. He has, and probably will always be this way. A bit of a pity, though understandable for a man of his situation.

My attention was caught, as I was brought from my thoughts as a new Taxi arrived, the young thief stumbling out. Standing, I began to stroll over, watching the rest of the troupe step out, Jules not far behind. Fran’s sharp eyes watched for me, ears twitching.

When she finally caught sight of me, she guided them in my direction as I stepped towards them, chuckling at how tired the orphans looked. I was right; Jules sent them on a wild goose chase. Probably out collecting chops for him, I bet. Shaking my head, I approached, ready to get a story I was expecting out of the group;

“What took you so long?"


End file.
